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Seattle, WA, USA

Posted Sun Dec 31, 2023 7:57 pm

Warning: this is a personal post I need make as the clock ticks off the final hours of 2023. This kind of post isn't for everyone, so if you're looking for a retro-computing topic please please please click the back button on your browser right now before going any further.


As some of you know 2023 has been a mentally and emotionally difficult year for me. It has easily been the most painful year I've ever navigated during my half-century (technically 52 years) of being sentient on this tiny yet majestic rock hurtling through space.

Having my mom die - right in front of me - in a shockingly disturbing and traumatic way in February haunted me for months. It affected me deeply and still visits me often. I'm not exaggerating when I say I still think of her every day. But sometimes it's the painful memories of the final event(s), which is really a twisting nightmare I wish I could erase somehow and only access when I felt like it was absolutely necessary for historical/data purposes. Instead I seem to relive those moments like flashing lights hitting me out of the deepest darkness completely at random. At least I feel like I have the raw horror of what happened more under control and the flashes are less continuous. I long for the day the trauma dissipates if it ever totally will. Maybe it's just a slowly softening weight I will always bear.

Then to lose my dad two months later was a gut wrenching slow-motion underwater body blow.

At least with him my older brother and I knew it was coming and we were able to mentally prepare for a couple months even though we were already in a fragile state. COVID was just one of 4 causes listed on his death certificate. It officially accelerated the overall process (and got him isolated in a part of a hospital in downtown Dallas I'd never seen before) but it wasn't what took him out. It was the lighting of the fuse. A very long fuse.

Due to what felt like unimaginable cruelty of the US/TX medical system, dad's death ultimately became a massive mental release, and relief, when he couldn't hang on any longer and his absolute suffering finally stopped. It shouldn't have to end like that across months for what everyone knows is the inevitable, reducing a human to what I can only describe as something I've not ever seen except in history books of concentration camps. I wouldn't let my own dog go down like that. To see a parent be forced through that physical and mental torture and indignity left me shaken, confused, feeling legally impotent and frankly angry at The System. I've told my own family if I'm ever in a similar situation I want to be "helped out" before being reduced to a fully aware yet helpless skeleton. Whatever it takes as long as it doesn't put them in legal jeopardy. And they agreed they'd try. They asked for the same courtesy in return. (I never let my kids see him like that, of course.)

I realize this is all heavy **** to be dropping on our shared getaway from all of life's difficulties and stress. I'm sincerely sorry about that.

I'm doing it because I wanted you ALL to know - every last one of you reading this and those that clicked the back button - that your being here helped pull me through. Reading about your projects or experiences in your own retro-computer lives was exactly the distraction I needed when I needed it most. And I'll forever be grateful - and honored - for your participation here, your enthusiasm, your obvious willingness to help, your kindness, your generosity in sharing your valuable time and your friendship.

I don't plan on doing posts like this again any time soon, if ever. But I really wanted to publicly thank you all and acknowledge you all for being exceptionally bad ass people.

May we all have a happy and healthy 2024. <3

-- Eric

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Posted Mon Jan 01, 2024 5:07 am

Eric... WOW! Thank you so much, for running this awesome community and for sharing such intimate thougts. I am glad that the community here was a source of strength for you in those hard times back then.

A happy new year to you and all of you gals and guys here too! <3

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Green Camp, Ohio

Posted Fri Jan 05, 2024 9:10 am

Eric....I'm so sorry for your loss and I extend my deepest sympathies to you and your family. Ive felt the pain and anger your going through. 10 years ago, when I was 37, I had to watch my father pass from a combo hit of MS and lung cancer. Bed ridden for years, he was reduced to a frail skeleton of his former self. When I was 12 he saved up to buy me my first computer, the Amiga 1000. We spent hours together on that machine. He loved it as much as I did. Every time I turn one of my systems on or purchase an Amiga product, I feel that happiness he gave me so many years ago. The A1000 he bought me is the only system I've never altered nor ever will. This forum, and all the great people and stories helps dull the pain and brings back the good times I had with him. Thank you! May 2024 be a better year.

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Twickenham , U.K.

Posted Sat Jan 06, 2024 4:30 pm

That must of been so very hard Eric. I do hope 2024 is a year in which the healing begins. Thanks for sharing and for anyone else here, it is good to know we have a caring community here.

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Posted Sat Jan 06, 2024 6:18 pm

Eric, thank you for sharing that. I can't imagine how awful a year you just had.

Sometimes I'm out in public and I'll be sitting or standing next to someone who is chatting with their mom or dad, and I'll think: damn, they're lucky--I hope they know it. (I'm not complaining: in fact, I feel rather blessed to have what I have; doesn't mean I don't wish I could talk to my mom: I appreciate her more every year I get older and more experienced.)

I really wish there was a way to say: "I am of sound mind and body now, but if I get to condition X, Y, or Z, my choice is to have a drug injected, or put into my wine, or WHATEVER, but not let go on forever." The problem is I won't remember I wanted to do that, once I hit the condition.

In the meantime, I'm going to go order "Devil's Temple - Son of the Kung Fu Master (CBM Amiga)" and enjoy that.


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Zippy Zapp

Posted Sat Jan 06, 2024 7:28 pm

All i can say is it pains me to the core to hear about this as we were never ever meant to go through any of this.

I am so glad that you have some coping mechanisms as we absolutely all need that throughout our short lives on this rock we call home. I hope 2024 is a better year and by all means, vent anytime you need to.

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Posted Sat Jan 27, 2024 4:16 am

Hi Eric,

thank you so much for sharing!!

All I can do is THANK YOU for running this great place !

I wish you all the best and lots of strength to keep up.

… sorry I’m not the one for lengthy big words…


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Posted Fri Feb 02, 2024 6:27 am

Hello Eric,

I haven't been here for a month, maybe longer, and I've just read your message.
I don't have enough words to express my sorrow, and I can't even say that I can understand your pain.
My mom died at the very beginning of 2024 and I know how difficult that colud be (even if the circumstances were quite differents for me).

And indeed, having a distraction, even if it's temporary, does help clear my head, even for a few minutes.
And for that, I understand you, and like you, I wanted to thank people on this forum, which always offers super-interesting discussions (even if I don't take part much...).

Thanks to you too Eric, for this message which touches me, for this forum too, but also for your videos!
I keep saying that, when I'll start making Youtube videos (I'll, I hope I'll ^^), I want to make videos that are at least as good as AmigaLove's ;)

Take care of yourself.
Take care, all of you.


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Posted Tue Feb 06, 2024 11:53 pm

All the best Eric,

I lost both my parents as well so it's a hard thing to go through. Unfortunately most will have to go through this at some point in their lives. All the best for 2024 and beyond!

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Toronto, Canada

Posted Sun Mar 24, 2024 7:41 pm

a massive thanks to you Eric & the Amiga community <3 :boing: :check:

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